Many people use laxatives to "clear themselves up" or to "stay regular" or, in extreme cases of eating disorders, chronic poopers use them to "lose weight".
We wanted to see what all the hype was about. Why has the world fallen in love with poo?
Some would imply that it is a scandalous attempt by the sewage companies to brainwash us into unwittingly filling their tanks and pocket books with our love and feces.
| Others might say that our fixation on the poo is the offspring
of a powerful couple. It has been hinted at that Uncle Sam may be
partnering with the Tomato Farmers of America to produce a "burning
desire", if you will, to provide them with "pre
fertilized" seeds for their fields, but that's a whole
Whatever the reasons for the world's long standing romance with the poo, we say, something stinks.
Through this project, Jon, Will and I plan to get into the minds of poopers everywhere by taking a double dose of a harsh laxative every day for a week. We will call it the Colon Blow Project.
We'll keep you updated day to day on how things are moving along.
| 10:03 pm - I've administered the
first double dose to Will, Jon and myself.
The directions warn us to take one rounded spoonful with a large glass of water, so I scoop two heaping spoonfuls into each person's glass.
I notice the note on the bottom of the jar that says "may cause choking if not taken with enough water" or some crap. "Whatever." I think to myself, "It's just the Man trying to bring me down." Then I started noticing that the 95% psyllium husk and citrus flavoring potion magically solidifying in my glass. I suppose it could do the same thing in my throat, huh?
I decided it might be wise to have on hand a pint of extra water - the chaser if you will.
10:10 pm - I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't have eaten those jojos as my tummy swells up with the gelatin like laxative.
10:15 pm - I call up an expert medical representative for an interview and tips. Yah okay its my mommy but she used to be an RN so back off.
Here are a few questions I asked my mommy about what she thought of this project as a Registered Nurse.
kim: What do you think will happen to us after a week of colon blowing?
|mom: You won't last seven days.|
|kim: What will we be feeling if we, say, double the dosage?|
|mom: You'll be poopin alot.|
|kim: Do you foresee any side effects?|
|mom: You may feel nauseous. Some abdominal cramping may cut this experiment short.|
|kim: Any suggestions potty wise?|
|mom: You'll need to stay close to a bathroom at all times.|
|kim: There's no bathroom at the comic book shop. Should I poop in a jar?|
|mom: I would endeavor to keep the jars out of the site of customers.|
|kim: What if we don't have lids for the jars? What then?|
|mom: Maybe stretch a dainty white lace doily over each jar and tie it off with a nice red velvet ribbon.|
|kim: Have you ever pooped in a jar?|
|kim: Have you ever taken a laxative?|
|mom: Yes, but never to this extreme.|
|kim: Jon and Will have informed me that after they've taken this particular laxative in the past, their poo has floated. Why?|
|mom: Well your poo will probably be like jello. And jello floats. You'll probably be able to scoop up everything that comes out of you, leave it in the sun and make bricks out of it.|
|kim: It sounds like you've done this before.|
|kim: Do you think there's a chance of us becoming addicted to laxatives after this experiment?|
|mom: Yes, if any of you are prone to eating disorders. But i'm pretty sure you'll never do this again for as long as you live.|
|kim: What is your overall view on the Colon blow Project?|
|mom: There are people who like to poo, and
people who don't like to poo. There are not an abundance of people who really get a kick
out of it. I think after a day or two you'll stop out of your own valition.
Before we partook of the Colon Blow, our diets for Day One, January 8, 2001 were as follows:
|toast, french||strawberry yogurt||toast, french|
|2 taters, fried, with ranch (2)||2 chicken thighs, fried||day old french fries|
|One slice Will's birthday cake, ice cream||10 taters, fried||chicken, fried|
|1 bite Will's birthday cake, chocolate||beer||taters, fried|
|popcorn, buttered||day old french fries||popcorn|
|more taters, fried, BBQ sauce||one slice birthday cake, ice cream||one slice Will's birthday cake, chocolate|
|one slice birthday cake, chocolate||one slice Will's birthday cake, ice cream|
I never realized what grease balls we are. I apologize to any starving children in third world countries who are more than likely attacking their screens now. Of course, starving children can't usually afford computers. Maybe there are some who do have computers. Maybe they should get their priorities straight.
pm - I'm feeling alot like I need to peepee. Maybe because that stuff made me so
thirsty that I drank about a gallon of water with it, and more throughout the night.
No poo feeling yet. Probably because I'm a lady and ladies don't poo. Apparently, though, Jon had to leave the store to do so.
6:06 pm - Jon has pooed very very much. Apparently it's been reproducing. Each time it comes out in one more piece. And each time all pieces float but one. This is perplexing. I wonder what my mom would have to say about this...
10:06 pm - No poo for me yet. Will has pooed, and Jon has pooed. I am much smaller than they are, so shouldn't I be pooing more? I mean, I'm taking the same amount as they are.
11:00 pm - We've taken our daily double dose. I have a good feeling about this one.
|2 bean burritos, Taco Bell||sandwich, ham and cheese||biscuit, day old|
|quiche, Florentine||apple, fugi||burrito, Taco Bell|
|cake, ice cream||beer||nachos, Taco Bell|
|sandwich, turkey||pot pie, chicken|
|more beer||cake, ice cream|
|ice cream and cake, chocolate||coffee|
| 11:45 pm - Not only do i feel
really heavy right now from this Colon Blow Project, but I'm retaining water. Yes. My
womanly thing. You betcha. This will make things a little bit more painful. For
12:15 pm - I've done it. I've pooed. And it was GREAT. I had to call Jon at work and let him know. We were all very relieved, so to speak. I feel light and refreshed.
8:06 pm - Will started drinking gin and tonics at about 5 this afternoon. We are wondering if he is going to pass out before our ritual 11pm dosage...
8:10 pm - We've made a new rule for this project in light of Will's current situation. If one of us bails on the project, skips a dose or fails in any way, he or she will have his or her picture taken in his or her underwear and posted on the main page of SteelGirl for one week, and permanently posted on a specified page of the site. If one of the boys fails, he will have to wear tighty whiteys for the photo, and if I fail, I'll wear my rocket ship print undies.
10:00 pm - Will is obviously feeling no adverse affects of the Colon Blow Project, as he is now ballet dancing for me. He must've pooed already because he's just so light on his feet.
11:00 pm - We are all awake and ready for our third dosage. I wish I could chug it like Will and Jon. This is one of those moments when it might pay to be an alcoholic.
11:23 pm - Awww Will loves us. He's so sweet when he's blotto.
|toast, sourdough||coffee||pizza, pepperoni|
|cheese, cheddar||cake, chocolate||coffee, lots|
|miso soup||sandwich, cheese||sushi, california rolls|
|sushi, veggie||gin, too much||noodles|
|noodles||gin/tonics too many|
|sushi, california rolls and vegggie|
|2:50 pm - If I was to ever
recommend an appetite suppressant, it would be this crap we're taking. I'm constantly
full. The stuff just expands in you.
Otherwise I'm feeling fine. I made a rather odd looking poo today. My second so far for this project. I thought about taking a picture of it. It was quite a work of art.
Jon goes quite abit. I'm so jealous. Will hasn't talked much about it. I'll give him the third degree tonight when i see him.
3:54 pm - I haven't really been hungry all day. Jon's going to bring me back a sandwich from subway though. Mmmm veggie on wheat with no onions. My favorite.
I've been drinking water like a madman. I have to peepee alot.
12:35 am - Starting our dose a little late. We got to preview a movie tonight at Will's theater. He's a manager so we get all the free shows.
Will isn't going to take his dose with us because supposedly he took it earlier today while no one was looking because he'd have to work late tonight. This concerns me.
12:40 am - This stuff makes me gag. Man, what some people will do for attention.
| 2:04 pm - Jon told me he made the
biggest poo of his life today. He said he thought there wasn't enough room in the
"bowl" to hold it all, but everything worked out in the end.
I haven't pooed today. I'm feeling okay. Thought I was going to hurl last night. I think I accidentally served myself a little extra or something.
Will told me he's been pooing once a day. His appetite is the only one that hasn't dramatically shrank this week, as you can tell by the daily diet tables.
5:16 pm - Will has also made the biggest poo of his life. He is quite in awe of himself. Apparently, it filled the entire bowl and was solid. He saw no water. That is amazing.
Our other more conservative roommate, Nick (more commonly known as "The Nickster") is grossed out by our in depth conversation. Who asked you anyway, Nick?
7:30 pm - The guys are at a punk rock show, and I'm not. I stayed at work a little bit late and forgot about it. I wanted to go. :(
11:00 pm - I'm taking my doses now without them. I'm sort of hoping that they'll come home real late and pass out before they take theirs. Then I can post them on SteelGirl in their underoos. That's what they get for ditching me.
11:30 pm - Jon, Will and about four other weird people are here, back from the show. They had to tell me how FUN it was. Yah thanks. To top things off, they've both taken their doses. Is there no justice?
11:45 pm - My mommy just called concerned about my lack of poos. She thinks I'm not going enough. I feel okay, really, mom. Thanks.
| 3:23 pm - I've decided that I'm
not going as much as the guys because I'm a vegetarian, and alot of my food gets
absorbed and used by my body. the guys, on the other hand, eat a ton of meat, and probably
had a bunch of stagnant beef and junk in their tummies. I guess your body can only digest
so much at a time, and the meat stays with you longer. That's probably what all their
pooing is about, and why this project has affected their bowels more than mine. Sounds
good to me. Does that make sense?
I never really pooed much to begin with to tell you the truth.
9:00 pm - Tonight is poker night, and SOMEBODY has gas. I hate that! Gross boys. Why can't they just hold it like girls do? Maybe their bottoms aren't as strong. Maybe they think it's manly to fluffer in front of other guys. Who knows? I think it's gross.
11:13 pm - We're taking our SECOND TO LAST dose of the junk tonight. Thank goodness. I'm running out of witty things to write about it.
I know, I'll tell you a totally unrelated joke.
Did you hear about the homosexual midget? He came out of the cupboard.
Okay that's the best I can do.
| They said it couldn't be done. Well, my mom said it couldn't be
done... comfortably... which, I guess it wasn't...
3:24 pm - Today is the FINAL day of the Colon Blow project. We're all a little bit relieved. I'm glad I won't have to take any more of that stuff.
I pooed today, but it was little. Jon said that he's been pooing normally now. Maybe our bodies have just gotten used to it. What happens when we stop taking this stuff?
9:25 pm - Will is officially addicted. he's going to buy more and keep doing this stuff.
I actually thought about it too for a minute. What's going on here? Has the Man gotten us down?
|Consider a theory...
Perhaps the citris flavoring that is used in almost every bulk laxative and fiber suppliment on the market today plays some part in this stinky mystery. Mind control comes in many powdery forms. Why aren't there more strawberry or chocolate or pomegranite flavored poo inducers?
Let's assume for a moment that the citris flavoring has nothing to do with mind control.
The lable on the particular product that we've been using indicates a 95% purified psyllium content. Could the citris flavoring take up the entire missing 5%, or is there some other secret ingredient not listed on the container? I didn't taste much orangey flavor. In fact, I didn't even realize it was citris flavored until I read so on the lable.
Perhaps a certain government is collecting and saving our poo in order to fuel a giant war machine that's still in the works. The perfect soldier who may one day be the end of us all(no pun intended). It runs on poo. Our poo. And it's the perfect killing machine. Let's hope they never have to use it.
11:00 pm - Woo! Last time I'm ever taking this crap again! Man alive, that was hard to do.
Whatever the reason, one important point has been made clear through this project. No I'm not talking about our colons. I'm talking about the fact that everyone poos. My mom poos. You poo as well. Barbara Streisand poos. And That's gross.
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